Hi friends!
Let’s talk about spoilers for a sec:
Do you believe in them?
Do you hate them?
Do you want to see traditional spoiler warnings in this newsletter?
My instinct is that spoilers are a first-world construct and literally nothing matters at this point in human history so I should just write about whatever/whenever and then you, a full-grown adult, can decide if you want to read that part of the email or not. But I also recognize that everyone watches TV in their own time. So if you have specific feelings about spoilers, I want to hear what you think - especially if you have suggestions for how we should handle them here going forward. Email me your think pieces.
Until then, assume this thing is riddled with spoilers and read at your own risk.
Please also share A Waste Of Time with someone you think is cute and encourage them to subscribe. Maybe bribe them with candy or gifts. I hear money works too.
Let’s get started.
Here’s what I watched last week - the good, the bad, and the embarrassing:
Friday, June 14
Last Friday during the day, I put on Jane The Virgin while working from home. They FINALLY gave up on the ridiculous Jane and Rafael break-up and gave us the happy ending #TeamRaf has been rooting for the entire time. But they also sealed the deal with a freakin’ dance number. I can’t imagine why this was necessary so I turned to a Vulture recap where Kathryn VanArendonk wrote:
Finally these two have figured it out! If ever there was a time for a grand musical statement, this is it.
Kathryn’s not wrong but I personally could have done without the choreography. Googling about this reminded me that there have been dance sequences on the show in the past, but with so few episodes left (the series finale airs July 31), I need A LOT more Sin Rostro plot and a lot less singing.
**Side note:** Kathryn also wrote this fascinating story for Vulture about TV wigs - how they’re made, what they cost, and all the care and effort that goes into making them invisible on camera. Check it out!
Jane + Rafael 4ever.
I also watched the most recent 2 episodes of AP Bio, which is only getting better and better. I think the last episode they aired (Ep 13) is the Season 2 finale because it did an excellent job of putting Jack’s scam back into the forefront (it’s that he refuses to teach the kids any biology and instead, uses them to execute his various schemes). If you aren’t watching AP Bio yet, I highly recommend starting at the beginning. Every supporting character is a gem a la Parks & Rec but it’s much raunchier and ridiculous than anything that ever happened in Pawnee.
I finished up my work day by playing Late Night With Seth Myers in the background and not paying attention to it at all.
Back when I was in middle school, Down To You held a special place in my heart. My childhood BFF and I rented it from Blockbuster regularly. Freddie Prinze Jr. singing Barry White to Julia Stiles was the epitome of romance in my 13-year-old eyes. I even dreamed of someone being so heartbroken over me that he drinks a bottle of my shampoo because he misses how I smell.
So when I noticed the 2000 movie streaming on HBO Friday night, I decided to see how it holds up.
Hoo boy, let me tell you - it DOES NOT. Besides Henry Winkler as Freddie’s TV chef dad who pitches a show called CHEFS (which is like COPS but with dinner instead of arrests) the movie has few redeeming qualities.
Don’t watch this movie.
One of them is that it serves as a time capsule of everything that was questionable about pre-9/11 teen rom-coms. Julia Stiles’ hair is floofy and big with not a layer in sight. It’s honestly rude they let her walk around like this. Then when she’s an adult, it’s a sleek blow-out because this was a period in our nation’s history when pin-straight hair was the truest marker of having your life together.
Selma Blair, Rosario Dawson, Zak Orth, Shawn Hatosy, and Ashton Kutcher (as a guy named Jim Morrison?!) are all supporting players trying to get noticed in this pretty shitty script.
Young, dumb, and full of bad dialogue.
There’s a subplot about Freddie’s friends working in porn and you get the impression it’s trying to seem adult and progressive but then one of the characters cries (CRIES) about whether or not a finger up the butt during sex means he’s gay now and all that feigned sophistication crumbles real fast, leaving only hollow homophobia and lazy writing in its place.
It’s truly nuts how sex references went entirely over my tiny, naive head. As a teenager, all I wanted was for a man to light a lot of candles, lip sync soul music to me, and accidentally poison himself in my honor.
I did look up who was responsible for this dog turd of a film and you will be zero surprised to learn the man wrote and directed it (Kris Isacsson) went on to do…not much, including a 2008 TV movie with Mark Consuelos and Mario Lopez called Husband For Hire.
You need to see this poster for yourself.
So yeah, Down To You is pretty crap. I don’t recommend it unless you, like me, love to be tortured by nostalgia at the sake of your free time.
Where to watch: for Jane The Virgin - CW.com, for AP Bio & Late Night - Hulu, for Down To You - HBO (but don’t)
Saturday, June 15
After seeing glorious Jenny Lewis perform at Forest Hills stadium (I’m still livid she opened for Death Cab and did not headline. JUSTICE FOR JENNY!), I came home and put on Cabaret; a decision entirely inspired by finishing Fosse Verdon last week and the fact that “Mein Herr” has been stuck in my head since.
The movie didn’t blow me away but I’m happy I watched it. It had been years since I last saw it and it definitely gave Bob Fosse’s work and Gwen Verdon’s creative input more perspective. It also reminded me how fun Liza (with a Z) was to watch as an up-and-coming actress in the ‘70s. Plus it’s nice to see a massive star of the time on camera with her real teeth, nose, and cheekbones. If Liza was a 20-something today, she’d be Botoxed, filler-ed, and rhinoplastied before they ever slapped on Sally Bowles’ outlandish makeup.
Side note - Sally Bowles would make a great Halloween costume.
She’s sleeping in her makeup! AHHHH!
Then there’s the foolish comment I made at brunch the next day that the movie “just kind of ends.” Blessedly, a smarter friend pointed out that’s actually because “the Nazis came in and killed everyone.” So yeah, just a fun, light-hearted Saturday night movie that ends in the implied Holocaust.
Where to watch: Netflix
Sunday, June 16
I was outside most of Sunday to make up for the previous weekend I spent indoors with a cold (take your Vitamin C, kids). By the time I got home, Big Little Lies was up on the HBO app so I forced myself to stay awake and watch it.
I’m so glad I did because I got to enjoy this highly meme-able moment before Instagram had a chance to spoil it for me.
Same, Renata, same.
My main issue with BLL Season 2 is that there are so many women in the show and we’re catching up with all of them each time so the 45-minute episodes never feel long enough. I hope they slow it down and focus on 2-3 of them in the next episode.
Separately, Meryl’s fake teeth are weirding me out big time!
Ugh, I hate them.
Here’s a fun/bizarre story: her prosthetic teeth were specifically modeled after Alexander Skarsgård’s mouth to make the two actors look more related. Thanks to my friend Margot and this Page Six article for that information.
I can’t stop thinking about it.
Where to watch: HBO
Monday, June 17
My plans got canceled Monday night and the line at Trader Joe’s was longer than I was willing to brave so I came home, tried on a new jumpsuit, and wore it while watching Sunday’s episode of Claws. There are many reasons to love this show (like: Rashida Jones is an executive producer). This week though, I thoroughly appreciated:
1) Jenn’s realization that she’s raising a biracial daughter in an all-white family and how that needs to be addressed and
2) the meteoric rise of Desna’s unencumbered ambition coupled with the blatant implication that it will only have harmful consequences for the people who are close to her.
FWIW: 🎶Whatever Lola Wants🎶 is a song about a manipulative devil's assistant [AND it was originated on Broadway by none other that Gwen Verdon!].
You might say the “claws” are “out” with how we’re supposed to view Desna after Ep 2 🙃 Or you might just say that it’s only a matter of time before someone in her crew becomes collateral damage…again. Remember - Virginia already got shot and lost a cornea for our queen bee. Who’s gonna wear an eye patch next? IDK but we have 8 more episodes of these shenanigans and I am extremely here for it.
Afterwards, I ate some dinner (aka figured out how to make single-serve mac and cheese in the microwave!!! email me for the recipe) and watched two episodes of Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj, specifically the ones about Sudan and civil rights suppression under Trump. Having grown up in the Jon Stewart school of television news, I am a sucker for a comedian explaining international horrors to me. It’s just a shame Trevor Noah isn’t better on The Daily Show these days.
Where to watch: for Claws - TNT.com, for Patriot Act - Netflix
Tuesday, June 18
It is with a heavy heart I admit I came home exhausted from my second ever Title boxing class and watched no TV Tuesday night. I did, however, listen to the newest episode of The Cut On Tuesday podcast where Taffy Brodesser-Akner reads the beginning of her new novel Fleishman Is In Trouble. Taffy is a phenomenal writer and this description of her as “every other writer’s favorite writer” is correct. I am so excited to read her book.
Where to listen: Spotify (or wherever you hear podcasts)
Wednesday, June 19
I put on Late Night With Seth Meyers while tidying around the house and eating delicious empanada truck empanadas standing at my kitchen counter. I was really impressed with the final guest, especially since it’s the part of the show where I usually dip out. It was Michael Torpey from TruTV’s Paid Off - the game show that pays people’s student loans. I’ve never watched it but Torpey spoke really beautifully about the student loan crisis and how their show is trying to bring awareness to the ridiculousness and predation of today’s educational lending practices.
After that, I gave Murder Mystery a second chance.
This time, I watched the whole thing while also simultaneously texting snarky comments about it to my friends.
Here’s the super bizarre part…I kind of liked it???? Sure, Murder Mystery is not a masterpiece and I had trouble initially buying Jennifer Aniston as a broke hairdresser. But then it kind of grows on you. For an Adam Sandler production, whose sole purpose is to be extremely popular and not necessarily nuanced or sophisticated, this film is surprisingly enjoyable. And guess what? It succeeded. Murder Mystery had the biggest opening weekend for a Netflix film with 30.87 million accounts watching it the first 3 days it was out.
Shocker: this doesn’t entirely suck.
It might be because I love Jen forever and she continues look amazing into her 50s and I’ll pretty much watch anything set in Monte Carlo OR because I went into it with the absolute lowest expectations. But overall, it’s a semi-enjoyable froth-fest for when you want to give your brain the night off.
Where to watch: for Late Night - Hulu, for Murder Mystery - Netflix
What to watch next (or instead): Jennifer Aniston in Dumplin’ - also on Netflix.
Dumplin’ is an enjoyable delight.
Thursday, June 20
One of the things Netflix recommended when I was done with Murder Mystery was the Renée Zellweger series What/If. I’d seen the trailer for it and couldn’t at all figure out what it was about. I initially thought it was maybe a sexy murder game. It also seemed odd that someone of her caliber was now doing a pseudo psych noir soap opera on a streaming service just months before her Judy Garland biopic drops, for which she’ll no doubt do the international awards show circuit. So, for no other reason than pure unbridled curiosity (I just had to know what the hell it was about), I started the pilot Thursday night when I got home from being rained on during the Khruangbin show in Central Park.
Before we get much farther, let’s get this out of the way - the show is Not Good. It is extremely heavy-handed with its drama. There is a lot of literal thunder and lightning to stand in for moodiness. The close-up shots are uncomfortable. The main hot actor (Blake Jenner) is neither especially hot not an especially good actor. Renée is often shown menacingly standing on balconies or inappropriately wearing drapey robes in public. I spent the first 5 minutes wondering if her character is blind (?!) because her eyes never land on anything and even when she’s writing on a piece of paper she doesn’t actually look down at it.
At least her hair looks terrific.
Years ago, I watched the ABC horror soap 666 Park Avenue. What/If reminded me of that so much of it that I looked up whether the same writers/producers were behind this. They were not; though actor Dave Annable IS on both shows. But you know who is behind this one? Mike Kelley, the guy who made Revenge, another ridiculous nighttime soap on ABC. Kelley is also responsible for One Tree Hill, The OC, and Jericho.
R.I.P. 666 Park Avenue.
The other ABC connection to What/If is Jane Levy, who played Tessa Altman on Suburgatory; a fish-out-of-water-in-Connecticut sitcom that ran on ABC from 2011 - 2014 and is not unlike American Housewife in concept – middle class family moves to upper class town, feels out of place, learns to accept it, hijinx ensue – but is very much unlike American Housewife in quality. Suburgatory was fantastic. American Housewife is not.
Womp womp, we live in the suburbs now.
Long story short, What/If is a ridiculous waste of time, I’m still not entirely sure what it’s about, and I will be watching more of it. Thank you and good night.
Where to watch: Netflix
And that’s all she wrote, folks. Stay tuned for next week’s TV diary where we WILL continue discussing Meryl’s fake teeth.
xoxo,
-delia
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