the only time of year i ~choose~ to go outside
This week: Big Little Lies, Younger, & (Lord Cher help me) the turd that is Justice League.
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Halloween 2019’s hottest costumes.
Even better news: if you’ve finished Stranger Things 3 this week, you can now read the pieces I wrote for Elle Magazine:
Cool? Cool. Let’s get started.
Here’s what I watched last week - the good, the bad, and the embarrassing:
Monday, July 15
There are more new episodes of Under A Rock with Tig Notaro so I watched her figure out who Glenn Howerton and Wolfgang Puck are.
The premise seemed hokey at first but 6 episodes in, Tig’s guests seem incredibly relaxed in a way they don’t in other interviews. There’s no pomp, no pretense. Just roll up, play a quick “Hey, who are you?” game with Tig, get on with your day in 30 minutes or less. It’s actually delightful and these celebs seem more likable for agreeing to be on her show since it signals they don’t take themselves too seriously - that’s very refreshing at a time when nearly everyone with an Instagram thinks themselves quite famous and influential (lol the ice caps are melting).
Wolfgang Puck’s wife gives him pocket money each morning and it’s very cute.
I also learned that Glenn Howerton is a Juilliard grad and Wolfgang Puck was a ski jumper back in Austria; except he didn’t make it far because, according to him, he wasn’t good enough and his family was also too poor to pay for the training necessary to become a better ski jumper. That’s some real life shit right there and it’s refreshing that this massive celebrity chef is so honest about his humble beginnings!
Later that day, I caught up on Jane The Virgin and started this current season of Younger.
*Younger spoilers ahead. Scroll to the next day to avoid*
I’ve been with Younger from the very beginning so it’s upsetting they couldn’t let us enjoy Liza (Sutton Foster) and Charles finally being together for, like, one fucking minute. We deserved some semblance of harmony for these two as a couple after waiting 5 long seasons for them to get together before adding in the competing company storyline.
Can a happy, peaceful relationship make good summer TV?
I also realized that I missed Claws last week so watched the last 2 episodes. I’m excited with where they’re taking the show and really loved the discussion of Jen’s appropriation of Black culture and style. This was also a topic on Grown-ish last week and while that discussion was much more tell than show, the way Claws handled it was kind and extremely effective.
Q: Delia, why did you leave Florida? A: […]
They’re also doing more of those singing/dancing vignettes which are entirely unnecessary but always delightful. Each one proves that Niecy Nash is a queen whoe deserves her Emmy nomination!
Where to watch: for Under A Rock - YouTube, for Jane The Virgin - cw.com, Younger - tvland.com, for Claws - tnt.com
Tuesday, July 16
Monday night’s Late Night with Seth Meyers had what is quite possibly The Best Line-up in late night history: Laura Dern talking about Big Little Lies, Megan Rapinoe talking about her World Cup win (and being an internationally-beloved badass), and cabaret singer/comedian Catherine Cohen whom I’d never heard of before but was very funny and delightful.
Late Night might never be this good again.
My shame watch this week, and the one I wish I could genuinely get my time back for, was the J.Lo movie The Back-Up Plan. It’s the one about her deciding to take charge of her own life and have a baby via sperm donor except, wouldn’t you know it, that’s the same day she meets the love of her life. I had always thought the movie would be more about dating while pregnant rather than becoming deeply committed to a man you’ve only known for 3 weeks while pregnant. But then I realized that no J.Lo movie has ever made any kind of realistic sense so really, that’s my bad.
Me, shocked I watched the entire movie.
The Back-Up Plan is a huge waste of time and I do not recommend it other than to enjoy Melissa McCarthy shine as the kooky leader of a single mothers’ support group and part-time doula. There’s also a cute dog. And ok, her apartment in the movie is very nice. But other than that, it’s bad.
While cooking dinner and doing dishes, I watched episode 4 of Younger and realized that Liza is generally getting on my nerves this season. Or maybe I have just lost all patience with her doe-eyed optimism but I just want to scream, “YOU’RE MIDDLE-AGED!” at her several times an episode. The benefit is that I am loving Lauren (Molly Bernard) and Diana (Miriam Shor) even more and am excited to see them shine the rest of the season.
A very sweet and pretty retelling.
Before bed, I started the newest PBS Masterpiece version of Little Women. In this one, Maya Hawke plays Jo March and it’s basically a longer remake of the 1994 movie with Winona Ryder, Susan Sarandon, Christian Bale, Claire Danes’ ugly cry, and Kirsten Dunst.
True story, as a small and extremely cool child, I once received a VHS gift set which included the book, a little paper dollhouse, and a Little Women locket on a black satin string, which I absolutely wore for several months. Bless Google images for having these photos:
Where to watch: for Late Night - Hulu, for The Back-Up Plan - Showtime (but don’t), for Younger - tvland.com, for Little Women - Prime
Wednesday, July 17
I watched Late Night again at some point but it was just ok.
After dinner at this new, ridiculous restaurant in Bushwick that makes a genuinely amazing Turkish coffee martini (the ’00s are back, my friends, and we’ll all be drinking Cosmos again soon), we came home in the downpour and decided to watch Justice League?! I can’t explain this choice either except that I once went on a date with the guy who plays Cyborg and was curious to see what he’d been up to.
It became immediately clear the movie is crap. So we watched the whole thing.
This is the 2017 superhero movie that had to digitally remove Henry Cavill’s mustache after they called him back for reshoots while he was simultaneously contractually obligated to have it on his face for Mission: Impossible — Fallout. I continue to not understand how they couldn’t get those two shooting schedules figured out so the man could shave his fucking mustache but I am a mere newsletter writer, not a Hollywood executive, so who knows? (Hint: they screwed up. That’s what happened.)
The fuckery of this of just too much.
What I do know is that in Justice League, Superman looks like he’s playing his own Madame Tussaud’s wax figure. That alone should have been enough to chuck the movie to the garbage bin, set it on fire, and start over.
But no! They soldiered on, stuffed bloated Ben Affleck in his too-tight Batman mask, wrote a ridiculous script that includes the phrase “Mother Box” entirely too many times for my liking (my liking being ZERO TIMES, thanks), and had the audacity to charge people for the privilege of experiencing their middling effort on the big screen.
Rude, honestly, to waste both the money and the electricity on a movie that was also the fifth most expensive film EVER MADE and then have it turn out this poorly.
Who did Ben piss off in the costume department that they made his mask fit so poorly?
And yet it did, because we currently live in a world where you can put forth minimal effort, pretend it’s amazing, and have your gaul alone sustain the charade that maybe, perhaps, it just might be less than total shit. It’s not. The movie is bad.
And with that, I have reached my quota on superhero movies for the year - the quote being one superhero movie per year. Please reply with which MCU/DCU turd I should suffer through come 2020.
Where to watch: for Big Little Lies and Justice League - HBO (but don’t)
Thursday, July 18
No television was watched but I did go to the new Poster House museum in Flatiron and learned all about Art Nouveau poster artist Alphonse Mucha (you’ll recognize his style from posters you might have seen on various college dorm walls). The entire place is very nice and well thought out and if you’re in the area, have $12, and want to learn something while enjoying someone else’e air conditioning for an hour or so, I highly recommend it.
Friday, July 19
I settled in to finally catch up on Big Little Lies. Of course it was great. Of course I loved it. Of course I continue to despise Jane’s Cabbage Patch boyfriend and am extremely excited for Celeste’s courtroom scene next time. It’s genuinely disappointing that the season is already ending. There just wasn’t enough! I need more. Please and thank you.
Strap in for the showdown of the century.
I ended up vegging some more and caught up on Divorce, Jane The Virgin, and two more current episodes of Late Night. All of it was fine and good and I’m emotionally preparing myself for the final episodes of Jane The Virgin and whatever insane note they decide to end the series on.
*Spoilers for The Dirt ahead. Skip to Saturday to avoid*
Another thing I watched Friday was The Dirt - a Netflix biopic about Motley Crue. The movie was based on a book by Neil Strauss and produced in collaboration with the entire band. I didn’t grow up with Motley Crue on account of having been born in communism and also being a bit too young. So it was interesting to learn about their ridiculous behavior and all the outlandish things they did. I did have to cover my screen several times, like at the heroin-injecting or piss-licking parts.
When it was done, it seemed a bit odd to be asked to celebrate these men who - by their own accounts - needlessly destroyed a lot of property around the world, were awful to each other and most everyone they encountered, and all but ruined themselves at the altar of rock-n-roll for nearly 20 years. The overall message of the film seems to be, “Sure we did a lot of dumb shit and really fucked up our lives, but we’re still a band and making music together so it all turned out ok.” That leaves me with a big ole HMMMM, at least by 2019 standards.
The best part of the film was learning that Tommy Lee Jones and Heather Locklear had been married for 7 years - which I never really knew. Naturally, I googled some photos of them together and they are absolute gold. Some of my favorites below:
A couple’s costume of my dreams.
Just very sweet and normal.
Perfect hair, all around.
Where to watch: for Big Little Lies and Divorce - HBO, for Jane the Virgin - cw.com, for The Dirt - Netflix
Saturday, July 20
Saturday I was out all day doing errands and visiting friends because the extreme heat made me feel like it was silly to be inside all day and waste the electricity. But the sun tired me out so I stayed in at night with the last 2 parts of the Masterpiece Little Women. I cried when the sad thing happens and even more when the happy thing happens and overall just remembered how much I love that story. Greta Gerwig has also remade Little Women for the big screen. It comes out at Christmas.
Then I started The Loudest Voice, Showtime’s Roger Ailes series starring Russell Crowe and many facial prosthetics. There have only been 3 episodes so far and I got through the first 2 before falling asleep. The episodes are split by year:
1995 - the year Ailes launched Fox News
2001- the year 9/11 happened and he secretly worked with the Bush administration to convince America there were WMDs in Iraq
2008 - the year Barack Obama was elected President and Ailes’ racism really went off the deep end.
Dare you point out Sienna Miller.
I appreciate the show’s insight into this warped, hateful thinking and learning what an aggressive monster Ailes was. But the overwhelming public knowledge - that he was a rampant sexual harasser - has so far been portrayed rather confusingly.
Sienna Miller plays Ailes’ third wife Beth and she wears lots of facial prosthetics too. When the two interact, or when Ailes is talking to Rupert Murdoch (Simon McBurney), it’s genuinely difficult to focus since I’m just watching their makeup move.
I’m curious to see how they handle more recent accusations though. Plus we’re only just getting to the Gretchen Carlson part. Blessedly, Naomi Watts doesn’t have that much stuff on her face for the role.
Where to watch: for Little Women - Prime, for The Loudest Voice - Showtime
Sunday, July 21
Showtime does this great thing where they upload new Sunday night episodes to streaming earlier in the day so I watched the newest installment of The Loudest Voice (episode 4). It’s now 2009 and Ailes is actively at odds with the Obama administration. This episode covers the rise of Glenn Beck, the defunding of ACORN, and the first mention of Donald Trump questioning Obama’s birth certificate.
The Klumps 2: White Man’s Machinations.
Watching Ailes’ racist, self-profiting evil grow like a cancer to ruin both America’s political discourse and the lives of the women he was secretly turning into sex slaves at Fox News is actual nightmare fuel. So it’s interesting to note that the series is made by notorious horror production studio Blumhouse.
After that, I got antsy in the apartment and left to get ice cream and see The Lion King.
When I got home, it was time for the Big Little Lies finale and I watched the entire thing and loved it and hope they make a Season 3.
*Big Little Lies finale spoilers ahead*
The actual showdown of the century.
If they don’t, I’m satisfied with how everything turned out and love that Celeste finally stood up for herself and that the season showed women faltering, fucking up, figuring stuff out. It’s rare to see the in-between parts of life on TV where things aren’t ok yet but maybe they will be. That’s been the most beautiful part of the show.
However, if they want to make an Orange Is The New Black reboot in Monterey, I would also 100% be down to see Renata and Madeleine navigate prison.
Where to watch: for The Loudest Voice - Showtime, for Big Little Lies - HBO
And that’s all she wrote, folks. Stay tuned for next week’s TV diary where we WILL continue discussing the ridiculousness on The Hills.
xoxo,
-delia
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